Second chances

Do you think everyone deserves a second chance?  What about a third, fourth, fifth or more in chances?  What about the circumstances? 

I have to say I am all about chances and give second chances in most cases.  I have even given some a third, fourth - yes, call me sucker.  I am not sure if that makes me a better person or a stupid person.  I have always been the person that sees the glass half full versus the glass have empty.  I usually am able to allow people to show me what type of person they are rather than tell me.  The person that tells me their life story the first time we meet, I already tend to not trust them.  You don't know me from Adam and you are telling me THIS?

A person that is abusive due to an illness, alcohol or mental for example, they have to hit rock bottom and we can't prevent them from that trip.  If they self-destruct along the way, we can't feel guilty or think we had a choice.  We don't and are not doing any favors to that person by enabling them to continue the abusiveness. 

My sister is on a path of self-destruction.  She has messed up her relationship with two of her older children and simply messed up the youngest.  As I spoke with the oldest child today, I reflected back on the number of chances I gave her.  If it had not been for the kids, I would have written her off a long time ago and perhaps that is why things happen when they happen.  She needed to be there for the kids and now that the last one has graduated high school, it is time to let her 'loose'.  Will she learn?  That is hard to say.  Will she adapt?  No doubt as she is a survivor.  Will she hit rock bottom?  Not as long as there is someone who buys her bullshit and enables her to continue.  Will she change?  No, I can say that with certainty.  Why?  Because her core has always been selfish and self-centered. 

It is a hard lesson for her children to learn, harder on the oldest as she is a nurturer at heart (she follows her grandmother's gene).  She has repeatedly allowed her mother to abuse her, mentally and financially (I am not going there with the physical possibility).  Similar to when she was younger and I allowed this to continue.  I can't play the what if game or it will drive me BONKERS! 

I really have no regrets regarding my life.  Any and all mistakes I have made were mine and allowed me to grow and experience life.  But I do regret that I didn't do something when I was thinking about it back in the 1990's.  I don't know how far I would have gotten, but I should have prevailed to start procedures to take those kids away from my sister.  Some of the stories I have heard from the older kids tear my heart to pieces....I didn't know!  Had I known, life would have been so different for me and those precious darlings. 

You can't turn back time and you can't change the things that have happened.  I still think people deserve second chances...and third, and fourth, etc.  As long as they are trying to get it right, they deserve the chance.  It is when they are not trying or when they are faking it or when they are being manipulative - that's when you have to draw the line. 

I care about my sister, I just don't care for her.  THAT makes me feel bad about myself, but I call it self-preservation.  My mom says she is your sister - all that means to me is that we share the same DNA - period.  Sisterhood is different than being sisters.  I have the sisterhood, these are my sisters in heart.  Much more important to me than sister by blood.  The truth is in the pudding.

Tired...

Tired of working, tired of feeling like crud, tired of being lied to, tired, tired, tired!!!

Last week was an eye opening event for me. Having to work 6 hours mandatory overtime isn't a problem, but it is if there is a holiday in that work week and my hours won't be overtime rate. That is just pissy on the part of the company in my opinion. It is one thing to ask for volunteers and another to make it mandatory. But yet, management is not working overtime....this BURNS my ASS!! You NEVER ask your employees to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. Basic 101 business. Truth of the matter, would management done anything to help with the problem or just BE THERE? Give you one guess.

I have been sick since before Christmas and I think I am getting better, then more symptoms start appearing. Just called the doctor and my doctor is out this week. Okay, let me see one of the other doctors then. No, in order to see one of the other three doctors in this practice, the doctor has to give approval - WHAT? Are you for real? I think it is time for me to find another doctor. I have been feeling this way since last year and I believe this has just made the final decision. Problem is I hate looking for a new doctor when I am sick....it smacks of desperation. Maybe I can try to continue for a few more days and doctor this myself.

I am too tired to continue - I want to go back to sleep but need to get ready for work. I am tired, did I mention that?

New Start

It is one thing for me to plan or know that I will be alone on New Year's Eve, and another to have someone cancel at the last minute. It isn't so much that we planned to 'DO' anything really, but at least we had plans. To get the call about the day before AND seven hours after speaking to said person with agreement to spend weekend together, very disappointing. What I got was, "I can't speak now, but something has come up; I will call or text you later tonight." Well...it has been THREE effing days now, and I have gone from disappointment to being hurt, angry, and just plain MAD! Makes me feel like something "better" came along! No way in HELL am I calling. If you don't get THAT message, you are in a fairy tale. I THOUGHT we had a better relationship than this, but guess I know where I really stand, ALONE!

This is the first time in a long time, that I have had no resolution for the new year. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. Seems like when I make a resolution for the new year, I set myself up for failure. It is your typical loose weight desire ~ since that has not happened in the past, why bother really? It just adds to my icky start to the year.

HOWEVER, one good thing that brought the new year in is the birth of Trever James. My baby had a baby on Saturday morning - big baby at 21 inches long and 8 pounds 11 ounces - ouch! The year 2011 has brought three new babies into my life: Andrew on May 18th; Owen on November 4th; and Trever on December 31st. All boys, all healthy, and all very much loved. I can't wait to meet Owen and Trever. I hope it is before they start walking - Landon was almost two when I met him for the first time! Man, the kids are growing up, where has the time gone?

Being sick this past weekend - lots of C O U G H I N G - makes me wonder if I should still go for the flu shot. I am thinking that the shot would have helped me over the Christmas/New Year holiday from being sick, but maybe the duration would not have been so long? I was ready to call the doctor on Friday but took a swing for the better, so didn't. Then spent Friday night, Saturday and most of Sunday wishing that I had picked up that dang phone and called! Now, I feel that I have it under control, or at least it is a lot calmer than it was - not feeling like I have to pee each time I cough anyway.

Lots of thinking this past week - need a new job. Do I stay in COMO or try to get back in KC? I really had not made a final choice, but after this weekend, I think I am headed back to KC. I looked for my resume, but I have yet to locate it. I think it may be on the old, I mean really old hard drive. Which means I will have to start from scratch. I gave up looking, started again, gave up again, and finally gave it one last hurrah - no luck. Wonder if I could 'borrow' the one that I sent into ASIFlex from my personal file? Hahahaha! Wouldn't that be letting the horse out of the barn?

My final decision is that while I was looking at my job as being a part of a team, it really is just a job to the management at the office. Things are going down hill in a hurry there and with JMR in his 60's, I just don't want to risk being in MY 60's and having to look for a job. Better to do it now then wait. Plus I really liked living in KC and have always had my eye on going back one day. That time has arrived ~ if the job can be located. First plan of action - resume!

It's not just about school even though sometimes I feel like it is!

This has been a couple of hectic weeks in my life. Since February, I have been battling UTI symptoms. I work up early one morning and was first in line at the convenience clinic. First round of antibiotic worked but was told that if the abdominal pain persisted, make an appointment with my physician. Oh by the way, you have blood in your urine as I am practically walking out the door. White blood cells that is. Working mandatory overtime as well as being in pain - yuck!

Following week, I am at my doctor's office and lab shows I still have WBC in my urine. The pain has diminished some but still present. Let's go have a scan done to make sure that you don't have kidney stones. Round two of antibiotics. Still working mandatory overtime. Stones are not present.

Two weeks later, I am being told to come back to the doctor's office for another lab to check the WBC. I tell them, I am covered 100% if I go to Lab One, so give me an order slip, I will check in there and we can see what the result is. I get a phone call from the doctor's office on Tuesday (Thursday was the pee date), the specimen could not be used as it was too old. I called the lab and of course it was the courier's fault, not the person that had the cup. Still working mandatory overtime, but pain in abdominal area comes and goes.

Two weeks from the last time I arrived at Lab One, I come again for a pee cup. I get a call on Wednesday from my doctor's office. Specimen could not be used as the identification did not match. WTH does that mean? I called headquarters to find out. The dumb rod at the lab wrote Ashland on my specimen and as that did not match the doctor's orders or my name, they pitched the golden nectar. Still working mandatory overtime and stress level is off the charts!

Day after doctor's office called, I found out that with the change in our insurance plan, Lab One is not 100% covered and I have worked by self through all this garbage for nothing. I walked across the parking lot to Boyce and Bynum for a pee! Damn, could that toilet be any closer to the ground now? How the hell do they expect an adult to hold a cup and squat as if they were outside in the bushes I ask you? That afternoon, phone call from the doctor's office, I have WBC still and third round of antibiotics. Mandatory overtime, stress, burned-out, hating my office, my job and you name it!

OY! Two weeks later I feel like crap. Left work early on Tuesday I felt so bad. I am coughing up a lung (well my ribs hurt so much from the coughing that is what it felt like) and thank goodness I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor. I get there to pee in a cup and found out that was all they wanted me to do. Oh no - you are so going to see me! I took off from work for this when I could have gone across the parking lot again - no, no, no! I was there for almost two hours. Pee still had WBC, had to have a breathing treatment, stopped by Walgreen's to get the drugs and crawled into bed for the medicine to take effect. Mandatory overtime, I have been off 2 1/2 days without pay as I am out of sick time, feeling lousy, want my mommy, can't breath, just ready to die (so of course I will live!).

Time to visit the specialist now as three rounds of antibiotics should clear up the WBC but it hasn't. Appointment made for 4/26/10, the Monday after the 50th anniversary weekend for the parents. Thursday a.m. in the middle of the night, I wake up HURTING like crazy with UTI symptoms again. OMG!!! I called the doctor's office to get some antibiotic for the pain. They called me to tell me the order was made at Walgreen's and in the course of the conversation, oh wait! Don't you have an appointment at the Urologist on Monday? If you take this, you will not be able to give a good specimen. Get some AZO OTC stuff and if you can tough it out, that is what they recommend. Mandatory overtime, but maybe the last one for a while, pain is almost unbearable, 50th weekend plans and stuff I need to do.

Weekend went well, but I was miserable the entire time. I fell asleep around midnight on Saturday/Sunday with the TV on and was awake from 2 to 5:30 and probably went to the bathroom 7 or 8 times in that time frame. My dad thinks I was up until 5:30 just because that was when I turned the TV off. It took all my energy to not make my problem an issue during the weekend. The emotional and physical strain was too much, really.

Monday - appointment with the Urologist. The want me to use this port-a-pot like you see in the rest home with a cone shaped funnel in place for you to pee into for a flow to some sort of meter. I kid you not, that chairwas about 24 inches wide and I don't know if you have noticed, but my ass passed that mark a long time ago. So I peed in the cup as normally prior to examination. The doctor comes in takes one look and says I am positive you have a yeast infection and nothing wrong with your bladder. I am a bladder man, not a gynecologist, but I will do a catheter of your bladder to eliminate the possibility of the bladder. In the meantime, the man gives me a prescription for yeast infection. Most women take one or two pills - I get 7 days worth. Tell you anything? Problem is I am showing UTI symptoms and yeast infection symptoms (not really, but some) and yet, there is something telling me that this is not it.

Day 6 of infection - shouldn't I be feeling some relief. My doctor wants me to go get an ultra sound to check for cyst on my ovaries as the abdominal pain is still present, coming and going. I drink my quart of water and just didn't output the amount I should have. She sure did take a lot of pictures so I was sure that I had a cyst, it was big and moving around (to account for the pain not always present). Mandatory overtime no more!

Day 7 of infection - damn it I HURT! Every time I urinate, at the end it is all I can do to not scream or cry. I really HURT!!! Something just is not right, Urologist's office called my cell phone that afternoon while I am working (it is turned off like a good person that I am). I can't get anyone at the office, so I call the hospital to have the Dr. call me back from home. I want some relief now. Of course, he doesn't have that information at home and can't call in my prescription. I have to wait until the next day. Can't even tell me the problem so all I know is that the bladder is the problem.

Day 8 of infection - just stick a needle in me now, I am done. I can't take anymore and we all know I have no tolerance for pain in the first place. I have e-coli infection (don't ask me how) and prescription is ready. I should see some improvement by the second dosage. I was not able to get off work to pick up the medicine until done for the day, so there is a Day 9 in the horizon. Doctor's office called - the ultra sound was good and my ovaries are fine. Okay, so what is the problem with the pain in my abdominal area may I ask? The infection apparently. I am not sure if this is correct or if I am just having problems with the fact that this was not caught sooner.

Day 9 of infection - it is true that improvement was seen after the second dosage but still having some issues. Not needing to scream or cry when urinating does indicate it is working. However, pain in abdomen is making itself known more often than not now. Hoping that by the end of the day I am feeling even more like myself as Ginny is coming to spend the weekend and don't want it to be me being crabby. Saturday is Georgetown garage sale and I want to go feeling well, not sick. I have met more than half my deductible with this crap...what could I have done differently and what could my doctor have done differently? Plenty I am sure. It has been two and a half months of hell, let me tell you but I think I am going to live.

Class Two, Week Three

Yep - I skipped a posting. Too much to do and not enough time to do it! Team project completed and moving onto individual project for weeks four, five and six. I have to come up with a change from my workplace and man do we need change AND FAST! Have to do another 8 hours mandatory overtime this weekend. I am booked already, not only this weekend but the other two weekends during the month. I just don't understand why our overtime has to be from 5 pm Friday to Sunday - as long as you are getting my overtime, why the hell should you get to dictate WHEN I do them? I already told them I had plans this weekend. It is not just about me this time, but other people are involved too. Why should I be the one to change everything just for work? I am working to live, not living to work. Bah humbug....

Enough bitchiness for the day, moving on. Had a nice visit with my mom and dad this Easter weekend. I also got to meet with the photographer and Stonehedge head person for the anniversary dinner. Getting cake, flowers and table decorations this week. Still thinking on the banner if I want to go that far or not...probably not. Need to get the video camera ordered too.

I think I have said enough for two weeks worth of work - counting helps; 15 classes, one down and 14 left to go!

Class Two, Week One

I am getting a little behind as it is almost end of week two from class two. I told my dad the other day, 15 classes, one down and 14 more to go! My mom sent me an email and asked how school was going. Then she asked me if I was having fun...can't say that I am. It is very much a dedication and determination thing for me right now.

I am slightly out of the norm in this class as almost all the others are nurses, work in a hospital, or a on 'THAT' side of the health care street. Discussions between class members count as participation and 'attendance'. It is hard for me to be part of a discussion when I have no related working experience. Several members are working in Labor and Delivery - can't say that I can even relate as a patient :)

My professor pissed me off this week. I had done my attendance and was reading comments between other members and something one classmate said triggered a memory. Talking about 'If you want someone to do a good job, you need to give them a good job to do', what that meant to us and if we agreed. One had written that it was not possible for everyone to have the best job as someone still has the toilet cleaning job. What mattered was that this person with the menial task felt important and still part of the team as the vice president of the company as it took everyone to make things happen. I read this and remembered the year I cleaned Gentry Middle School. It wasn't a job I wanted, but needed. I always had several teachers that were working late in their rooms and found that I was not in any way looked down upon due to my job description. I was still respected as a school employee, person and what I did mattered. I shared.

Here is what was said by "DR ERIC" as he calls himself (hmph!) : Some statements are so vague as to be meaningless. I believe this applies here and given your responses so far...okay is he talking about my responses or the thread of comments at that time? The more I thought about it, the more ticked off I got. Especially since this was placed out in the Main forum where everyone in the class reads. So, I sent him an email. I sent it in my individual forum, just between he and I so waiting to hear back from him. If I don't hear back by tomorrow, I am chatting with my enrollment and academic counselors. I really wanted to call him on this in the Main forum, but I didn't....I was nice, this time. Seriously, don't piss me off!

Well just finished working on group project due next week (Easter for pity sake!). More to do, but I still have individual assignment do finish up that is due tomorrow. I needed a break, so here you find me :) Going to take a break from the computer for a while now then come back with fresh eyes! My motto this week is take me as I am or don't take me at all (which is what I almost shared with the class if you get my drift, hehehe!).

End of the first class

Note to self...you had it easy and you didn't even know it! I have started the 2nd class. I am feeling slightly out of my comfort zone. I really want to go back to that first class now. I have been waiting to hear about my final grade - I was at A- at the end of week two, so we shall see. Overall, the three weeks went fast. It did not help that I had mandatory overtime two of those three weeks (and again this week). I DO think that without the mandatory overtime, I will be able to feel a little more secure and able to handle the classes.

Every week, there is something and very little time to breathe. I did know this before starting, I just didn't KNOW this. Thinking and doing are two very different things I am finding out.

Participation for classes require talking via online chats with other students. You have a minimum of two topic chats four times a week to be 'there' and it counts toward your grade. First class had only 12 people and not everyone chatted. This class we have double the group and it is much harder to keep track of conversations. Again, wishing for the time I was in first class again :) I will persevere, I promise!

Not sure how I feel about computer and emails for work, computer and chatting for school and now this, computer and journal entry for what should be me relaxing?...OY!!!